I’m walking around my apartment hugging his box of Cheerios as if my life depended on it. I’ve been holding onto it for a few hours now, eating a few cheerios once in a while. This box is the only thing giving me affection (pretty sad, I know!). This box, rather square and edgy, is the only thing I’ve held close to me in a long, long time. You see, I’ve been speaking with someone. Let’s just call it “seeing each other” to facilitate things. This person and I don’t exactly live close to each other so, the distance plays a major factor between us, our moods and especially our fights. Sometimes, I feel like if he was closer, the cereal box would finally see the light of day in the recycling bin and I would finally get some human contact, something most people that for granted. Some argue that human contact can quiet down someone’s anxiety and depression, that it can act as a “human anti-depressant” and, I am a firm believer in this. Needless to say, I wish he would take the cereal box to the bin.
* * *
To make things worst, my family lives far away from me, I have very little friends (mainly because I can’t sum up the courage to make any), well, besides my trusted box of cereal. Yeah, I know how this looks, or seems - fucking weird. I get it. But hey, when you have deep, intense depression, things that used to make sense, don’t, and, vice versa. So, I laid in bed and watched Criminal Minds, reminding myself of better days while plunging my hand in my friend and eating him alive.
* * *
I had a pretty messy panic attack this morning. My pillows are like prostitutes swallowing all my tears. I got the voice on the other end of the phone this morning, he makes me feel like I’m incapable of doing anything, which, he’s not wrong but, he doesn’t have to shove it in my face the way he does, “you try to control EVERYTHING!” He yells at me. What he doesn’t understand is that I can’t stop it. I don't even know I’m doing it. Well, kind of but, if I don’t control everything, everything falls apart and everything falling apart for me = anxiety.
Oh well, I will go back to bed, watch Criminal Minds, bring my box of Cheerios with me and hope for a better tomorrow.